I'd Rather Be Dead
by Ellabel
Summary: Cesia gets sick again and Rath tries to make her feel better. Does he *shudder* cook for her again? No! He turns on CHILDREN'S TELEVISION!
1. Feverish Again

"I knew it. Feverish _again_."

" Well, I'm _not_ eating _anything_ you cook, ya hear? Just let me lie in peace."

"Fine, Cesia, but at least let me make you some--"

"NO!"

"But--"

"No! Go away!"

"But won't you be bored without me?"

"No."

"Here, I'll turn on the TV. That way you won't get bored. But I can't find the remote, sorry. Now, you just lie there and _don't move_. I'll come check on you every now and then."

"Bye, Rath."

The TV in front of Cesia spluttered into life as Rath ran out the door.

"Hello and welcome to Flick Jr! I'm your host, Nadil's head!"

"Oh, God, no." With a sigh, Cesia sank into the pillows.

"Later today, all-new episodes of Kitchel the Explorer and Kharl the Chemist! But stay tuned for Crew's Clues, next on Flick Jr!"


	2. Crew's Clues

"Hi there, Head here!" the head went on. "Hey, are you upside down?" Nadil's head paused. 

"No…" growled Cesia quietly.

"Oh, silly me!" said Head. "It's _me_ that's upside down! Stupid incompetent knights can't even put me away properly… oh well, Crew's Clues is next! On Flick Jr!" 

Head rolled off, to be replaced by Shydeman and Shyrendora. In unison, they smiled and proclaimed, "Flick Jr is just for me!", flicked each other, and left. 

A house appeared on the screen. Very young versions of Shydeman and Shyrendora were playing on the lawn. 

"Do you see a snow puppy?" asked Shydeman cutely. Far-off barking was heard. 

"No, but I _heard_ a snow puppy!" lisped Shyrendora, giggling.

The door of the house opened, revealing Kai-stern. 

"Crewger!" he called. The two demons scrammed as Crewger galloped onscreen, barking excitedly. "Oh, hi!" Kai-stern said to the screen. "I'm Kai-stern! This is my dog, Crewger!" Crewger barked. "Do you know what today is?" Kai-stern continued. "Today's a very special day! Rath is coming to visit us!"

"Oh, what fun," moaned Cesia.

"Won't that be fun?" chortled Kai-stern. "We should get him a present! What do you think he wants?"

Crewger ran barking in circles, then turned to the camera and threw something. Cesia flinched as a snowball flattened out across the screen. Kai-stern, however, was thrilled. 

"Oh! I get it! You want to play Crew's Clues to find out what we need to give Rath!" Slamming his fists from side to side to create a beat, he sang. "We are gonna play Crew's Clues, cuz it's a really great game!" He then beamed so brightly that the snowball melted off the screen. "Will you help me find Crewger's clues?" Kai-stern asked.

"No," muttered Cesia.

"You will!? Great!" Kai-stern enthused. "To play Crew's Clues you gotta find…"

He paused. Cesia said nothing. 

"A snowball! Right! That's the first…"

Silence.

"Clue! We put it in our notebook cuz they're Crew's clues, Crew's clues!" Kai-stern sang brightly. "You gotta find another snowball, that's the second clue, we put it in our notebook cuz it's whose clues? Crew's clues! We gotta find the last snowball, that's the third clue. Put it in our notebook cuz they're Crew's clues, Crew's clues! You know what to do! Sit down in our thinking chair and think, think, thi-i-i-nk. Cuz when you lose your mind and take a step at a time you can do anything that you wanna do!" With Crewger's barking and random harmonica noises, the song wound down. Suddenly a clanking noise was heard. Kai-stern cocked an ear and wiggled his eyebrows. "I wonder what that noise is!" he chortled. "Let's go take a look." Humming energetically, he jogged outside to find dragon fighters sitting next to a pile of sparkling stuff. 

"Look, Kai-stern! We're making things out of metal!" proclaimed the blond one. 

"See, I made a building!" preened the brunet one.

"I'm making a cat," remarked the black haired one, revealing his partially finished creation. 

"I made a boat," finished the blond one. He moved aside, revealing another pile of metal scraps. Cesia noted the snowball sitting on the pile of metal, but obviously no one else did. Then,

"A clue! A clue!" shouted the voices of unseen children. 

"It's not a shoe," chuckled Kai-stern, "It's a boat!" 

"No, a _clue_!" cried the invisible children. 

"Oh! You see a clue!? Where!?" 

Cesia sighed and rolled her eyes as it took Kai-stern about a minute to locate the clue. At that time there was a drumroll for two full seconds as he finally allowed himself to see it with a look of shock so intense Cesia feared for his health. 

"It's a clue!" he cried. "Here on this, this metal! You know what we need? Our handy dandy…"

Here he paused, evidently expecting the answer to be given to him. And it was. 

"_Notebook_!" cried the unseen children. 

"Notebook! Right!" Kai-stern whipped out a notebook shaped like a bottle of poison. He flipped it open and drew a pile he labeled "Metal". "Now," he said, tapping his stripy blue crayon on his chin, "What would Rath want that was made out of metal?" The picture left the notebook to float above his head. He paused, yet again, as if expecting Cesia to supply an answer. Obviously he thought she had, for he said "You may be right. But let's find two more clues to make sure." 

"Be my guest," muttered Cesia, rolling over. Kai-stern gazed fondly at the drawing of the metal pile floating above his head. Far away screams were then heard. Kai-stern blinked and the picture returned to the notebook as he slammed it shut, pointed in the direction of the screams, gave Cesia a wink and a thumbs-up, and took off. The camera followed his gentle jogging to where Cernozura and Ruwalk were reading a book about danger. Kai-stern sneaked up behind them and looked at the book. He looked back at the camera and put a finger to his lips. Cesia saw that the book was a pop-up book. Ruwalk pulled a tab to reveal a clue about the danger on the next page. Then he turned the page and a giant pop-up demon exploded up before their faces. Cernozura screamed excitedly, then giggled. Ruwalk pulled the tab under the demon and showed broken glass. Cernozura gasped in anticipation. Ruwalk turned the page and a huge collection of sharp knives and sporks burst out of the book. Cernozura screamed happily again. Ruwalk grinned at her and started to turn the page, but Kai-stern cried "_Stop_!"

For resting there amongst the knives and broken glass was a snowball!

"A clue!" cried the invisible children.

"Yes!" proclaimed Kai-stern. "There's a clue on this, this… Ruwalk? What danger is this?"

"Uh…" said Ruwalk, checking under a flap, "this is the danger of sharp objects!" 

"Right! So these sharp objects… are a clue! You know what we need, our handy dandy notebook!"

Kai-stern pulled out said notebook and drew a jagged line. "Sharp!" he wrote next to it.

"Right. So what could Rath want that's metal…" The picture of metal floated above his head. "… and sharp?" The sharp line joined it. Kai-stern stood looking up at the picture for a while, then back at the camera. "You know what I think? I think we need to find the third clue." 

Just as he flipped the notebook shut, a voice was heard; its cry was of a kind to bring eternal bliss to men's souls. (Or at least Kai-stern's.) Its words? 

"Mailtime, mailtime, mailtime, mailtime, _mailtime_!" Kai-stern leapt into the air and gave an ecstatic cry: "Here's the mail, it never fails, it makes me wanna wag my tail!" 

To Cesia's disgust, he did, then continued: "When it comes, I wanna wail, 'MAAAAAIIIIL!'"

He galloped over to Tetheus, who was standing with an air of disgust looking at Kai-stern and holding a letter with his fingertips. 

"Here's your letter." He handed it to Kai-stern and walked away. Kai-stern reverently held the letter and looked at the camera. "We," he said, "just got a letter." He shook it back and forth to create a beat again and sang. "We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, wonder who it's from?" 

Having ended the song, he turned the letter over and opened the flap. "Look!" he said. "It's a letter from our friends!"

"Hi, Crewger! Hi, Kai-stern!" sang several small children from the image inside the letter. "We're making demons out of toothpicks and marshmallows!" The first child held up a marshmallowy demon just as the ground shook and a voice yelled, "DEMONS!?" 

The image of children happily playing turned into chaos as a familiar black-haired boy careened into the picture, waving a sword and crying for blood. Kai-stern hastily closed the letter as blood-curdling screams were heard. Looking frazzled and dropping the letter on the ground, he said "Let's go find the third clue, what do you think?"

He did not have to look far. A mutilated marshmallow demon rolled out of the letter as he walked by, partially encased in a snowball. Kai-stern picked it up. 

"It's a clue," he said, wonderingly. "A clue, here on this… dead demon? O…K…" He slowly pulled out his notebook and drew a dead demon on the third page. Wait-- third page?

"We have all three clues!" Kai-stern cried excitedly. "You know what this means? It's time to go to our thinking chair!" 

Instantly, The Chair That Wasn't There A Second Ago appeared and Kai-stern sat in it. "Ok," he said, leaning forward. "Now that we're in our thinking chair, let's- " He pulled the crayon out. " think."

"What could we get Rath that's metal, sharp, and kills demons?" The pictures floated over his head. Alfeegi randomly wandered in at that moment. "A _sword_? He wants a new sword? He broke _another_ sword!?"

"A sword!" cried Kai-stern. "That's it! We just figured out Crew's clues!" Leaping up, he sang again. 

"We just figured out Crew's clues, we just figured out Crew's clues, we just figured out Crew's clues, cuz we're very smart!" 

Alfeegi shook his head and walked out as Crewger ecstatically dragged in a sword and dropped it at Kai-stern's feet. At that point, Rath burst in the door. 

"Guess what, Kai-stern! I killed all these little demons and there were a million, I swear, but I broke my sword-- Oh, a new sword? For me? Thank you, Kai-stern!" Rath danced around the room with Kai-stern and Crewger. Ruwalk, Cernozura, and the three dragon fighters came and danced too. Tetheus and Alfeegi stood in the corner and looked disapproving. Kai-stern danced up to the camera and began to sing one last time. 

"Now it's time for 'so long', but we'll sing just one more song. Thanks for doing your part, you sure are smart! You know with me and you and my dog Crew, we can do anything that we wanna do!"

The party faded out with the end of the song and Head bounced back. 

"Hi there, Head here! Do you know what I'm doing? I'm _hopping_! Don't go away, cuz Kitchel the Explorer is next! Stay tuned for a _hopping_ good time! Ho ho ho!"

Bierrez, holding a script, walked boredly up behind Head and picked him up. "What channel is this?" he asked tiredly, reading from the script. 

"Flick Jr!" chortled Head.

"Flick Jr is just for me," sighed Bierrez, who then drop-kicked Head a long distance away, held up his script, burned it in front of the camera, and left. 

The door in Cesia's room banged open as Rath burst in, out of breath. "Hey, Cesia! What's up?"

Cesia moaned and looked pitifully up at him, mentally begging for mercy. 

"You say the TV isn't up loud enough? I'll fix it!" He bounced up to the TV and turned the volume higher. "Kay then, see ya!" he bounced back out of the room, slamming the door. He was singing about demons and new swords so loudly that he didn't hear Cesia's tortured screaming.

"Thatz!" came Kitchel's friendly voice from the TV.

"Kitchel!" Thatz's voice cried exuberantly. 


	3. Kitchel the Explorer

****

AN: Sorry, sorry, SORRY it took me so long, peoples! *hugs everyone* I've watched Blue's Clues since it was new, so I have it memorized. XD But I don't have cable at home ._. so I don't watch Dora or anything all that much… Do you know that there aren't ANY Dora transcripts online? I've been looking for months. I just now today got a chance to see an episode, and scribbled down notes that I can't read now. So if this is only vaguely like the show, I'm sorry. Also- the Japanese used in this chapter (No SPANISH! HA!) is either bummed offa friends or taken from the 1942 version of _Japanese in Thirty Hours_ so sorry if it's not all that wonderful. I'm terrible at Japanese. *bows* forgive, forgive. OKAY! KITCHEL! *waves flags*

~Ellabel

PS- ever notice the odd looks people give you when you ask for the Japanese for "We did it!"? And apparently I can't find Japanese for "explorer" either, so "_Exploradora_" just turns into "Explorer Kitchel". Forgive. 

***

Cesia stared as Kitchel and Chibi Thatz swung across the screen on vines, ate lots of food, and dodged random demons. She tried but was unable to shut out the sounds of Kitchel, Thatz, and unseen children singing exuberantly.

"K-K-K-K-K-Kitchel! K-K-K-K-K-Kitchel! Kitchel Kitchel Kitchel the Explorer! Thatz and super-cool Explorer Kitchel! K-K-K-K-K-Kitchel! K-K-K-K-K-Kitchel! Let's go! Jump in! You can lead the way-ay! _HEY HEY! _'Donna, no swiping! 'Donna, no swiping!"

Cesia stared as a demon she took to be Ekidonna tore off his headband, stomped, and cried "aww, man!"

"KITCHEL THE EXPLORER!" shrieked the children, in case Cesia had forgotten. Kitchel and Thatz bounced to the front of the screen, winking and flashing the peace sign. PEACE! PEACE! 

"_Ohayo_! _Watakushi wa Kitchel desu_!"

"And I'm Thatz!"

"Do you like fairy tales?" Kitchel leaned over to ask Cesia with a knowing wink.

"Oh, I love fairy tales! Especially when there's treasure involved!" Thatz shrieked, with dollar signs for eyes.

"^^ I have a book, " continued Kitchel sweetly while casually kicking Thatz, "with a fairy tale in it!"

"OOH! Does it have treasure!?" caroled Thatz. Cesia winced as Kitchel slapped Thatz upside the head with something that looked suspiciously like a manga. "Uh, I mean, read it to me! Please?"

"In Japanese, _Baka_! The book speaks Japanese!"

"_O…onegai_?"

"_Onegai_!" repeated Kitchel. She stared into Cesia's eyes. "Can you say '_onegai_'?" She paused expectantly. "Say '_onegai_'!" Pause. "_Onegai_!" Apparently satisfied, Kitchel opened the manga, revealing a handsome picture of Thatz on the cover. 

"Once upon a time, there was a great king loved by everyone. But to keep his people safe, he needed the three treasures-"

"TREASURES!? What are we waiting for!? Let's go!"

"But Thatz…" Kitchel hissed through her grin, " That's not in the script!"

"So!?"

"The script, Thatz!" wailed Kitchel piteously. 

"The treasure, Kitchel!" stated Thatz persuasively. 

Kitchel paused, apparently thinking hard. "Aw, heck." she finally said, tossing the book over her shoulder. "Let's go!"

"That's my girl! How do we get there?"

"We need to ask the map!"

"WELL, ASK IT!!!"

"Calm down, fool!" Kitchel turned to the camera, her sparkling shoujo eyes glinting irresistibly. "Will you help us?" She paused. "Great! You need to say 'map'!"

Thatz jumped up and down maniacally. "SAY MAP! SAY MAP!" he shrieked.

"I said, calm DOWN!" roared Kitchel, slamming Thatz with a boulder. She then calmly and innocently took the map off her neck. The map swirled around and opened up, clinging to the screen.

To Cesia's horror, it grew a face and began to sing. 

"Who's the guy you need to know when you've got somewhere to go? I'm the map! Who's the guy who can say 'I can help you find the way'? I'm the map! I'm the map I'm the map if there's a place you gotta go I can help you there, I know, I'm the map! I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map. I'm the map, I'm the map, I'M THE MAP! 

"_Ohayo_! so, we need to find the way to the treasures so we can tell Kitchel. Do you see the treasures?" Among a childish scrawl of images, Cesia noted three boxes representing chests in one corner. She recoiled in shock as a random blue arrow came out of nowhere and stabbed them maniacally. 

"CUT!" screamed a voice. The screen froze. "WHO LET ELLABEL HAVE THE MOUSE AGAIN!?" There were screams and wails and ripping noises as a certain random elf was dragged away from the computer room. "Take 42!" sighed a harried voice, and the map commenced flapping. A blue arrow serenely clicked once and then disappeared. After blinking, the map resumed. "There! How do we get to the treasures? Luwa, island, cave! Say it with me! Luwa, island, cave! Luwa, island, cave! Luwa, island, cave!" Laughing madly, the map swirled away into the background as a bouncy Kitchel and a bandaged Thatz reacquired the screen. 

"Where do we need to go?" asked Kitchel. As the unseen children answered, scrawled pictures of the places filled the bottom of the screen. "Luwa, island, cave." Kitchel repeated it. "Luwa, island, cave. _Hora_! So, where do we go first? _Doko_?" She paused. "Luwa, right! We're going to Luwa to get a boat so we can go to the island! Let's go! Come on, _kyuukyo_! Everybody, let's go! Come on, lets get to it, I know that we can do it!"

After jogging across the screen, Kitchel and Thatz found a little faerie tied to a tree. 

"Help!" squeaked the faerie. "Help me, _onegai_!" 

"Hey!" observed Thatz. "You're stuck!"

"Yes, you idiot!" snarled the faerie, also known as Ringleys. "GET ME OUT OF HERE, GENIUS!"

"Oh, how can we get him out?" angsted Kitchel. "Maybe there will be something in my backpack! You have to say 'backpack'. Say 'backpack'!"

Cesia pointedly was silent. She was more prepared this time as the backpack swirled into the screen and began a song of its own.

"Backpack! Backpack! Backpack! Backpack! I'm the backpack loaded up with things and knickknacks too! If there's something that you need I've got it here for you. Backpack! Backpack! Backpack! Backpack!" Several items came out of the backpack, which was giving Cesia a glazed-eyed look of bliss. Cesia barely had time to wonder how a backpack could manage a glazed-eyed look of bliss before

it asked her, "What can Kitchel use to free Ringleys?" The picture of forks started to glow. "Can she use _fooku_?" From somewhere offscreen, Thatz's lonely voice ventured a "yes?" His voice was covered by the unseen children's "NO!" Then the pair of scissors glowed. "Can she use _hasami_?" "YES!"

The scissors danced as the backpack ate the other items with a disturbing "YUMYUMYUMYUMYUM!" and zoomed off. Kitchel grabbed the scissors before Thatz could and faced Cesia again. "I need YOUR help to cut the net! Make the scissors with your fingers, and … snip, snip, snip, snip, snip!" The net fell away as Ringleys flew to glomp Kitchel's face. "HI! welcome to Luwa! THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME, _ARIGATOU_!" 

"We're in Luwa!" sang Kitchel. Three random chibi dragons ran across the screen and trumpeted. 

"We need to find a boat so we can get to the island!" 

"Gosh, I hope Ekidonna doesn't come around!"

"THATZ, YOU MORON, OF COURSE HE'LL COME NOW!"

It seemed Kitchel was right, for with an eerie giggle, Ekidonna came hopping into view behind them. Not noticing him, Thatz paused to instruct Cesia. "If you see Ekidonna, just say ''Donna, no swiping!' Can you do that?"

As Cesia rolled her eyes in despair, Kitchel eyed Thatz oddly. Then she turned to see Ekidonna mincing up behind them. Thatz started babbling religiously "'Donna, no swiping!"

Kitchel arched her brow. "We're to do this the entire episode?"

"The script, Kitchel" reminded Thatz.

"… screw that!" Kitchel squished Ekidonna with a boulder once and for all. Thatz watched, amazed, as Fire pranced across the screen with a placard reading "aww, man!"

"Oh, my! You killed the evil demon! Allow us to give you a boat!" cried the thankful Luwans. Because apparently if you live in Luwa, you are a Luwan. Ellabel Said So. 

"We have a boat! _Arigatou_!" Kitchel and Thatz and Ringleys got in the boat and chugged across to an island. The boat didn't fall apart because this is a children's show and children might be frightened by the boat breaking up.

"We're on an island! Now where do we go next?" Kitchel paused. "The cave! _Hora_! Can you say '_hora_'? Say '_hora_'!" 

At that, Thatz accidentally dropped the aqua balls on the ground, opening the cave. 

"Wow, Thatz, " said Kitchel wonderingly. "You actually did something right!" She picked up the treasures. "How many are there? Let's count!" She pointed to each one in turn. "_ichi, ni, san_! Three treasures! Good counting!" 

Kitchel gathered Thatz, the Luwans, the dragons, and Ringleys around her as they began to dance and sing, "We did it! We did it! _Koodori_, we did it! We found the three treasures, we did it! We did it! We did it! HOORAY!" Giggling, everyone else left, leaving only Kitchel and Thatz. They smiled at Cesia, beckoning her closer. 

"We had such a fun trip today!" enthused Kitchel. "What was your favorite part?" she asked Cesia. 

Cesia sat there with tears streaming down her face. "I CAN FEEL MY IQ DROPPING!"

"I liked that part too!" beamed Kitchel.

"My favorite part was when we got the treasure!" flailed Thatz.

"Hey, that's MY favorite part! YOU STOLE MY PART!"

"… Thief…" said Thatz, pointing at himself. Kitchel roared, grabbing the camera and beating Thatz with it. The TV hurriedly cut to Nadil's head, who was looking very upset. 

"_Ohayo_!" chortled Head. "Wasn't that fun? Kharl the Chemist is up next, followed by Fairly Oddparents and Dragon Tales!"

Cesia moaned in despair, vowing to do terrible things to Rath when he should happen to return and release her from her torment.

****

AN- Thank you for reading, and sorry again for it taking so long and then being crappy. Just for future reference, the author is known for stabbing things maniacally with a mouse. And no, you're not crazy, there were references to _The Princess Bride_ and to _Pirates of the Caribbean_. Can you find them? *dances off laughing wildly*


End file.
